hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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