Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
false alarm, still single
Randomize
