I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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