when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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