Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
