just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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