I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Randomize
