i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
