i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
