this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Dicks are not precious.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
