last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
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he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
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So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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