Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
