Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
