god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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