What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Randomize
