So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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