6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
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you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
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Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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