I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
