3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
the day after is always just damage control
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!