wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
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guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
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you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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