you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
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He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
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I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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