..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow