Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
he just fucked me for my cheese.