Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
