Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
