i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think my fart just growled at me.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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