I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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