can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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