I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
