Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
