he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
