I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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