Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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