dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize