thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
