Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
