But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.