i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
worst night to have a conscience
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
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TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours