Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.