He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
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She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
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No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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