Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
