Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Randomize
