eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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