I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
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Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
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Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.