no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
