so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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