Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well I just put wine in my tea
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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