Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.