the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
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Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
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Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich