Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
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Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well