I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
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who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
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There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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