its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
