i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
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I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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