The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
